NO ONE CARES ANYMORE, JARON.

Work is going good. Did more writing today. Got really stressed today, too. Actually trying to play Starcraft is not bad strategy, dang it. Holing yourself up in your base until your resources are gone and you've reached your max unit limit and you finally go on one final sweep of death is lame and boring and results in not much fun. I don't even care if you won, I still played better.

But that's old news now. I'm not used to dealing with things like that and I suck at arguments and being mean.

I also cut myself with a knife today. On accident. It was a Cutco.

You know how sometimes I talk about waking up one morning as a different person? I sorta feel like that's happening sometimes, and that I have frighteningly little control over it. A lot of people talk about "cleansing away" their negative emotions and junk, like relaxing and meditation and stuff, or just doing things they like. But the way it feels for me is everything just gets piled on and covered up. The layers just get thicker and thicker, piling higher and higher, until finally the stacks are too high and they fall. All the frustration and stress and anger just builds up until I explode in some way. Sometimes I really want to scream. Out of those times, I sometimes do scream. Other times, I hit things (but not people). Sometimes I do something risky or run away.

I don't want to have all this anger inside of me. But it's always there, still just stacking itself up and getting ready to crash again. I've never thought of myself as a particularly angry person, but... lately, it seems like I am. And I don't know what to do about it. Maybe it's because most of the things in my life are going so wrong, even though I try to deny it. My mom sometimes gets very stressful (some days are worse than others, lately it's been okay). Rachel's family continually causes all kinds of stress (to be fair, it's only certain members. Others, I really like). (You know, I also never thought of myself as a hard guy to get along with. I'm so submissive and easygoing, I could probably be friends with Hitler and Gandhi at the same time. And yet some people seem to find so many problems with me. Like my hair. I don't understand why that keeps you from being nice to me.)

Anyway, the list of stress goes on. Someone from the church wants to give me a calling, and I'm afraid that if I actually go meet with them, I won't have the stones to say no. And by golly, I'm not saying yes. I don't even want to go to church anymore. And sometimes, late at night, I feel guilty and stuff for what I do. I feel like some angel or spirit is trying to pull me back to the "path of righteousness" and make me go on a mission and stuff, and I just don't know what to think about that. I caught myself blessing my food this morning, and I haven't prayed in a long time. Stupid old habit, sneaking back when I least expected it.

I failed school and lost an awesome scholarship, after I worked so hard to keep my grades up in high school. It's like I finally understand why everyone told me I need to get good grades, and then I blow it after I've already won. But while people are quick to criticize and call me a fool, I just feel like the way it worked out was the way it was supposed to happen. I almost feel like there was nothing I could have done about it. Take it or leave it, there it is.

So now I'm not enrolled in college and I want to go back, but I don't have money. Mom says she'll pay for tuition (and tuition only), but I don't want to get involved with that again. If I go back to school, it'll be on my own dime or through a student loan. Going into debt sounds bad, but if you have to go into debt for something... a degree would be it. Maybe I'll do, like, Eagle Gate College or something. I know, it's not a big university, but at least they could get me trained and qualified for a job. I love learning, but an expensive university isn't the only place where you can learn anything. The library is free, dang it.

I want to marry Rachel and live with her, but we can't afford an apartment right now because of the economy. Bad timing to go away to school and have to leave everything behind and drain our bank accounts for nothing (not really nothing, but it seems like nothing to everyone but Rachel and I). I was lucky to get my sub job back. I'd like to be a regular employee, but that won't happen for at least the rest of this year, probably longer. The economy just had to shut down right when we needed it most.

Speaking of which. Sometimes I don't know if I believe this junk about the economy. What even IS the economy? Going to college turned me into a non-believer, I think. I don't know what I believe in anymore. Except that's not completely true, because I believe in being kind and generous to everyone and I believe in love. I believe in racial and gender equality (but none of that stupid forced AA crap). Among other things. But when it comes to things like religion and taking sides in politics... For instance, Rachel's entire family (almost) hates Obama. I don't know why--probably for no reason other than he's a democrat. But from what I can tell (and I don't trust anything I hear or read enough to believe it, one way or another, so this is going simply off of watching Obama speak), he's seriously trying to do good things for our country and he believes he's doing good things. That's enough for me. He seems like a good man, and that's all I need. I can't believe in anything else.

"Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things a man needs to believe in the most. That people are basically good; that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything; that power and money, money and power mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; and I want you to remember this, that love... true love never dies. You remember that, boy. You remember that. Doesn't matter if it's true or not. You see, a man should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believing in." - Secondhand Lions

Long post is long. Boring post is also boring.

But no one reads anymore.

No one (excluding Rachel and Nick) cares anymore, about me, and I don't blame them. I'm an awful friend, and have therefore lost every friend I ever had. So, there you have it.