Ruby

I got that green DS and Pokémon Diamond version. Ever since then, that's pretty much all I've been doing. I've been slacking off with my story, with reading, with drawing... any kind of art. Not that I haven't done any at all, just not as much. But on the other hand, I really want to write a fun little Pokémon fanfic. Just something simple and easy, in short chapters that I release here or on deviantART. Rachel can even write some too. But it wouldn't be totally lame. No, it would have a semi-decent storyline and characters and stuff. Truth is, it might be a good way for me to just keep up my writing skills. Writing is writing, no matter what it's about. So, you might be seeing some of that from me soon.

Another thing I have on my mind is programming. Katie's friend Dalin (sp?) programmed this fun little game all on his own. I was totally jealous. He had help with the art and level design, but I could do stuff like that myself. So I've decided that I want to learn Ruby. Ruby is an object-oriented programming language, the same one that RPG Maker uses, so I already have a small amount of experience in it. It only takes an hour or two to learn the basic concepts, though admittedly it will take a long time to get to the point where I can actually make anything. You can use Ruby to make all kinds of things, from games (like I mentioned) to blogs to calculators to databases to web sites... the list goes on. I think it would be a handy tool to have in my arsenal of creative skills.

Tomorrow I have a five-hour shift at the library... which doesn't sound much different from four hours, but that last hour tends to drag on. After work I'm going to check out a book or two on Ruby and see what I can do. So, I need to get to bed. Thanks for reading.

Invisible

Inspired by Nick.

10 Things I'd Do If I Were Permanently Invisible:

1. Listen in on interesting conversations, especially those about me.
   
2. Haunt something/someplace, to the point where I become a local legend.
3. Whisper creepy things into the ears of people I don't like.
4. Eat food in public. Watch the bizarre stares.
5. Walk around naked outside sometimes, to see what it's like (this is assuming, of course, that my clothes also become invisible when I put them on--otherwise I'd have to be naked all the time, and that seems like too often).
6. Follow someone around for an entire day and just watch their life.
7. Pretend to be someone's conscience and encourage them to do good things.
8. Be with Rachel 24/7 (when I'm not doing any of these other things).
9. Offer my services to the FBI or CIA, but only when I felt like it (I probably wouldn't ever feel like it).
   
10. Is there anything else to even do when you're invisible? I can't think of anything else.

Falling

It's so easy for everything to fall apart.

When I'm happy, it's because I'm not thinking about or realizing how crappy things really are. One thing comes along, and boom. It all goes down in smoke.

I have no friends anymore. No one cares enough to leave comments, let alone read what I write, which proves that I have no friends (Glen and Matt Clay left comments on my OW scene on Facebook. Nick and Rachel have helped a little. But other than that, nothing). I'm basically in religious exile, and while I love Rachel, everything in the damn world won't leave us alone. We can't get jobs because of the economy. So we can't afford to move in together and get away from all this racket and crap. Maybe once we get married, people will finally take us seriously instead of telling Rachel they think I'm all wrong for her and she needs to move on/grow up. Can't they just accept the way things are? It's not like this is new! We've been going out for over two years, and Rachel always says her life is happier with me in it. Why this hate? Why do you shove your little opinions down her throat all the time? How can you honestly think you're the most important person in the world and what you think matters to us?

I don't understand.

But of course, when I open my mouth to speak, I get shut down.

It just makes me want to scream. Nobody will listen unless I shout in their ear and slap them in the face with it. It just makes me so mad. Why doesn't anyone listen anymore?

I'm not going to deny that sometimes I don't listen either.

So don't go all self-important on me.

I'm worried that Rachel has something wrong. She gets intense spells of dizziness and headaches, more frequently and more intense than ever. They're getting worse. I worry that even if she told her parents about it, they wouldn't do anything. Of course, I think they should at least get her a scan.

If they don't, I guess I'll have to.

I'm just worried that by the time I can afford it, something will have happened.

Or that every doctor in the world will just be out to make a buck and they'll give her pills she doesn't need and make her come back again and again for the rest of her life.

Doctors should work for free. Or maybe just get paid a lot less. Then they'd be like teachers. Teachers teach because it's what they want to do and they think it will improve society... not for the money. It's good that they don't get paid like football stars.

This, coming from a potential teacher.

Anyway. I digress.

Most of the time I'm okay, but when one little thing gets knocked out of place...

Watch out.

Hound

Weber sent me another letter today, saying I owe them $46 for some mysterious "overdue payment" or something. They said it had been sent to collections, and they talked about it going on my credit score, although I'm not sure if that means it already is or they will if they don't hear from me. Either way, I'm fed up with Weber. They took every last cent of my money, plus some of Rachel's and my mom's, and yet they're STILL not satisfied. I was pretty sure we had all of this worked out, but no. Apparently, they still need more. I would have paid it off today, but now they're saying they won't take online payments from me and when I called, there was no one there. I left a message, and I expect things are going to get a lot more complicated and infuriating. Phone tag, waiting on hold, people never calling me back...

I went to school, failed my classes, wasted all my money and my good grades, and now I'm back at home with less than I started with. Plus the economy is down now, so although I have a job I won't always have a ton of work and I can't go looking for anything better.

It's just great.

I don't want to go back to Weber. I don't want to have to deal with any of those people ever again. I'll just go to SLCC and then probably the U. I'll just hang out around here until I can afford to get married and buy a house and a working car and everything else.

That is, if my credit score isn't shot by then. Freaking Weber.

I'm just not the right kind of person for this life. That's just it. I can't survive like everyone else can. I'm different. For better or worse, I'm different. I'd rather spend all my time in my own world where everything is friendly and possible than face the insurmountable frustrations of the real one. And to be honest, is that really such a bad way to live?

Is it really?

Lime

I don't think I like working lots of days in a row. I had Monday off, but since then, I've been working every day. But I think I might just feel this way right now. I mean, I need to earn money, and working is the way to do that... and I'd rather have short shifts every day than long shifts every other day.

Anyway, there aren't any more shifts open for next week, so it looks like I'll be getting a break. Hopefully I can use that time for something productive.

I decided I really want a DS. I want the green one that comes in the bundle with that cooking game.

Pretty sweet, right? I'll wait until my next paycheck to get it. Actually, Rachel will probably take this one and I'll have the blue one. But really, it's all the same in the end.

I think I have a plan. I need to go to school this fall. I have no money, but Mom has said she'll pay for tuition, and I won't have to pay for rent if I live at home, so... if I want to, I can go to SLCC. I guess I'll probably just be doing general ed stuff. Mom said she'd take me over there to talk to somebody about all of it. If I do that, I can keep saving money and maybe buy one or two things I want or need, like the aforementioned DS, or a new computer (this one is getting old).

I just hate how going off to Ogden has somehow set me back a year. It drained all my money and sent me back home, where I got my old job and lived in my old room again. I don't even have good grades to show for the time I spent up there. Quite the opposite, in fact. But I guess it had to happen, right? I can't say it was really a complete waste.

I need to go to sleep. Today was a good day, all things considered. It had its rough patches, but we made it through them and things are okay. I'm doing alright.

Progress

Happy Wednesday, Blogosphere!

I don't have work until tonight, so I'm taking this morning to do... something. Blog, I suppose. I also have some ideas to write down for my book.

I'm making a lot of progress with my project. I finished rewriting chapter 1, and what I'm going to do from here is revise what I just wrote (but not re-write) to a point where I think it represents good writing, where I can show it to any person and won't be embarrassed by it. Then I'll move on to chapter 2 and do the same thing, and so on, until I'm finished... with the re-write, at least. Then there'll be more revising and editing and probably some re-writing of certain scenes. Then comes the formatting and the decisions about the finished product, including copyrights and a book number, if I choose to do that.

All the while, I'll be reading other fiction and non-fiction and doing writing exercises to try to improve my skills. Not to mention working on other projects, like my card game or my drawings. And of course there's work and (possibly) school again in the fall. Whew. That's a lot of stuff to keep me busy.

At the library yesterday, another worker ran into me with her cart. I quickly said sorry, even though I was the one that had been standing still. But when I looked at her, she just had this weird grin on her face and she said nothing. It was like she meant to hit me because she thought I was cute and wanted my attention. I just looked the other way and pretended it never happened. *shudder*

Well, I don't want my posts to be completely boring, so I'll let you guys see some of the drawings I've been doing lately. Here you go.

Melina

Angel

Coaster

Dear Watcher:

Today was a bit of a roller coaster ride, but it had more ups than downs. I did two children's carts at work, but they weren't so bad. Normally, I dislike them because the books are so tiny that it takes a lot of effort to figure out where they belong, not to mention they're all kinds of awkward sizes. And more of them fit on a cart, making you feel like you're doing less work when you're actually doing more.

But it's money in the bank. Money we need right now.

Rachel and I had fun today. While I was at work, I had this strong desire to sit down and work on my book for hours on end... I often feel this way at work. Being around those books makes me realize how badly I want to join them, and I know the only way to get there is to make the right little decisions every day. Like spending an extra hour writing, for example.

A friend wrote that she needs to live more in the present, but if you don't think about the future and aim toward it, you won't ever get there. That's what I think. But as with all things, balance is key.

So Rachel and I worked on our stories for a while. I didn't get a whole lot done, but some is much better than none.

I'd like to set more time aside every day for writing. If I'm ever going to be successful, I need to spend more time on it every single day. At least two solid hours, preferably twice that. I don't know if that's actually going to happen, but I'll try.

I lose respect for Rachel's family every day. I know they think they're doing the right thing, but Rachel is different from them and she requires a different kind of help. A kind they don't understand or really care to understand, from the sound of things. More yelling, poking fun, and bible-throwing isn't going to help anyone in this situation. Maybe that method has worked with other people, but Rachel's not like that. She will only withdraw farther and farther into herself, where you will never be able to get her out. None of them have ever liked me since day one, mostly because I was born in 1990 with a penis. Seems like a stupid reason to dislike someone, doesn't it? Especially considering we supposedly care about the same person. Isn't that supposed to put us on the same side?

Michael is an exception to these things. He is a great kid and I hope he's gonna be okay and stay cool.

Soon as I can, we're moving out. We'll get our own place again and we won't have to deal with that crap anymore. We'll figure something out. Anything. We'll make it work.

My mom has been more pleasant recently. I don't know what it is, but I hope it stays.

Conversely, I have been more irritable and stressed out recently. I don't know what it is and I hope it goes away. It's probably the whole... poverty, spiritual outcast, keeping secrets, living with parents, lack of sleep, unsure future stuff. Kinda does a number on a person's mind.

But I'm going to think positive. Other things are going great, like my book and my job. Things could be worse.

Today wasn't really so bad after all.

Yours,
-Jaron

Power

At around 11 pm between my house and Rachel's, I see lots of police cars. Tonight I saw four, one of which had pulled someone over and another at someone's house. I wonder why there are so many.

Today was library day. Rachel and I went and we worked on a lot of things. She drew, while I made plans for my story. I have a few more things worked out which should add a lot to the middle of the story. I think it might easily end up being over 150,000 words. It might even reach 200,000. It's too early to tell. But there are some major changes and additions happening, hopefully all for the best.

I'm embarrassed by my rough draft. With shorter things like short stories or poems, I have a chance to revise it two or three times before anyone sees it. But with this novel, I forced myself to just move ahead as quickly as I could, without ever stopping to alter anything. So parts of it are very raw. With this rewrite, I'll hopefully be able to smooth everything out and focus more on quality, rather than quantity. It'll just take twice as long.

The power of thought. The power of imitation. These things are more real than we understand. If you act angry, you start to feel angry. If you think you are unhappy, then you become unhappy. Hopefully we can get it to work the other way around, too. I don't want my life to be full of frustration and disappointment. I want it to be fun, happy, and full of accomplishment. The first step, sometimes, is to just start thinking differently.

Friends

The responses to my last post have made me think a bit. I want to keep blogging. I'll do it for myself, but also for Anonymous. The good one. Who apparently reads everything I write, but keeps her comments to herself. I'd like to be able to throw caution to the wind and be very personal. And if a creepy stalker wants to use this information to hunt me down, then I guess that's how it's going to go (I'm sure I've already given out more than enough anyway). Someone like him could just as easily walk up and shoot me in the street, so either way, let it be.

Tonight, I found a tape that had me, Megan, and Jarin on it. We were playing with Megan's cardboard cutout of Spike (from Buffy the Vampire Slayer), putting it in the window or the garage to freak out people who walked by. We had a lot of fun with that thing, and it even scared us when we left it in the hallway and forgot about it.

We did a lot of things like that. Listening to this tape reminded me of them. It was astonishing to hear how much my voice had changed. It actually still sounded the same, but I talked differently. I said different things and used different tones.

I remember the canal. We walked along it every day, home from school. Many things happened along that canal. Megan lost her backpack one day and we all became emotional. In the winter, some of us walked on it and someone fell through the ice, I can't remember who (I don't think I was there that time). We found the King of the Canal sword (which I still have), saw the rat thing that disappeared under the water, and the floating rock. Jessica's homework flew into the water and she desperately jumped in after it. We let Candice lick our eyes with her long tongue.

I saw Megan again at Alan's farewell, and it was simultaneously strange and normal. I think, even though we've changed in some ways, we're also the same in other ways. If we went out for lunch or something, I think we could talk just like we used to and have just as much fun, even if only for the moment. It would be nice to catch up and hear about everything.

Thinking about this has made me realize how different things are now. I guess it started with Jessica, but if it wasn't her, it would have been something else. I fell away from them and met other friends, and those friends have changed me just as much as my old friends did. And now, I find myself nearly friend-less. Though I do have the few people I still see on a regular basis, it's not the same. I spend nearly all my time with Rachel, and I like that, but I want our time together to include other people, too.

I guess I don't really know how to say this. It's just difficult and painful to think about these things. Some part of me wants something different. But now that everyone has cars and jobs, does anyone have the same kind of fun anymore? Does anyone play with a cardboard cutout or share memories by the canal? And are there people who have this kind of fun without involving alcohol or drugs or bad movies and music? Or am I the only one left who cares?

Necessity makes for a better life sometimes, it seems. When there was no other option but walking home, my life was more enriched. Now that everyone has a car, that part of my life is gone and can't ever come back.

But I still remember good times involving cars too. So maybe it's more the people than anything.

I didn't have fun all the time, though. It's easy to make memories seem nicer than they really were.

Where do I go from here?